For some very strange reason I have been contemplating this question. Probably because I have so much time to myself in the evenings with Cameron gone and it takes me about an hour to fall asleep because my brain won't shut off. So with all these things combining this is what I have been thinking about a little bit.
I remember when I first had Breanne and people kept asking me if I felt like a mom yet. I had never been a mom so I didn't really know what it should feel like. Now looking back at the past 3 years of me being a mom I'm still wondering, "What should it feel like to be a mom"? I don't know if I DO feel like one.
For starters, almost everyone I know that has children that are about my girls age are older then I am (with the exception of Maggie who is having baby #3 and is 2 months younger then me). And everyone who is my age is just getting married or just having baby #1. I feel as though I should actually be about 28 or 29 instead of just 24. I just graduated college a year and a half ago and I'm still trying to figure out how to raise myself and now 2 girls. I look at how I parent my girls and it seems so different from other people. The older people I know who have kids seem to have a more layed back approach. Maybe in 5-10 years I'll be like that too. It's interesting how just a few short years can change your perspective on things and how you handle them.
Now, with all this thinking don't think for one second that I don't love my kids and are grateful that at age 24 I have them. It's just things that I was pondering and I don't know if it will make sense to anyone else.
When I go out to have a picnic with Breanne and Kaitlyn, or just the 3 of us, I feel like more of a babysitter then a mom. Not that I'm lugging around these kids that I'm getting paid to watch sort of feeling. Okay, maybe it's more of an Aunt feeling. Like I'm taking them out to have fun and hang with them. Does that make sense? Maybe that's what being a "Mom" feels like and I've had it all along. They way the question has been posed to me makes it seem that it will be this sudden, life changing "wow, I feel like a mom" when I think it come on more gradual and eventually it happens but you still feel like the same ol' you.
Being a mom has definitely brought out all the characteristics that I don't like in myself, don't know if I'm the only one. Being tired I see myself more on edge and more frustrated. Trying to teach Breanne new concepts and she tries my patience. Learning to be less selfish with my time and my life goals. These last 3 years have shown me all the things I need to work on and have slowly made me a better person. I just hope that as I strive to be a better person my girls will have patience with me. Hopefully they get it from their father because we all know I am still trying to develop mine.
These pictures tell the story of our life for the past year and a half. Airplanes. Chasing Cameron's dreams of becoming a pilot. Well, that day came when he passed his commercial license and then he got closer to getting a job flying planes when he received his certified instructor ratings. He has finally been extended a job offer from a company called ATP, Airline Transport Professionals. It's a flight school all over the country where Cam will finally become an instructor. He got a phone call from them Friday the 21st saying that they had a couple openings and if he wanted one they would need him that coming Monday in Jacksonville, FL for "standardization training". The options they gave were San Diego, Riverside, or Las Vegas. We bought a plane ticket for him to leave for FL. So he has now been in Jacksonville for over a week and still has no idea where we might be going. His family came and helped me pack up last monday and tuesday so I have been living out of boxes for most a week. Tomorrow should be the day we find out exactly where we are going. All these moves in such a short amount of time is hard to handle. Someday we'll set down some roots, maybe even own a home. Who knows, with us the possiblities are endless!
