A few thoughts have been running through my head the last week or so. I don't know if it's the experience of being a new mom of two or if this is normal or maybe this is just the way things are going to be, but lately I've felt like I'm not cut out for this whole mom thing. Having just one is simple and I stick to my previous views that you're not truly a parent until you have at least two kids. I know it's only been about three weeks, but they have been a stressful three weeks. Breanne has become VERY whiny. She's started to throw more tantrums then usual and I know that it's probably just jealousy because I have to pay a lot more attention to Kaitlyn right now, but when Kaitlyn has been screaming constantly every time she's awake and deciding not to sleep for more then an hour at a time at night I'm tired and my patience is low. 
Because of this and the fact that Kaitlyn wants to eat ALL the TIME I quit breastfeeding. The guilt of that has been enough in itself and it seems that everyone I tell has a disappointed tone in their voice like I failed as a mother. If I could go back to breastfeeding I would, but not because I miss it. I'd go back just so I'd feel like a good mom. I'm sure I'm hormonal still, but all of these emotions are getting the best of me and I'm starting to feel bad for Breanne. I was irritable when I was pregnant and I was looking forward to Kaitlyn's birth because I thought that my mood would improve, but sadly to say it has not. It's probably gotten worse. I think of all the people I know who have kids and are stay at home moms. They do it so well and they seem like such happy, perfect moms. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but I don't know if this comes as naturally to me as it should. What made me think I could raise children? Kids have never liked me and personally, I've never really liked them. These are just random firings of my frazzled brain. I'll end this posting with a cute story.
Because of this and the fact that Kaitlyn wants to eat ALL the TIME I quit breastfeeding. The guilt of that has been enough in itself and it seems that everyone I tell has a disappointed tone in their voice like I failed as a mother. If I could go back to breastfeeding I would, but not because I miss it. I'd go back just so I'd feel like a good mom. I'm sure I'm hormonal still, but all of these emotions are getting the best of me and I'm starting to feel bad for Breanne. I was irritable when I was pregnant and I was looking forward to Kaitlyn's birth because I thought that my mood would improve, but sadly to say it has not. It's probably gotten worse. I think of all the people I know who have kids and are stay at home moms. They do it so well and they seem like such happy, perfect moms. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but I don't know if this comes as naturally to me as it should. What made me think I could raise children? Kids have never liked me and personally, I've never really liked them. These are just random firings of my frazzled brain. I'll end this posting with a cute story.
A few days ago I put Kaitlyn on the couch while I did something in the kitchen. She started to cry and I finished what I was doing in the kitchen, quickly, and started back to the couch. As I turned around the crying died down a bit and around the corner came Breanne holding her little sister! She was doing really well, not squishing her or holding her by her neck. She was holding her against her chest very carefully. However cute that was we had a nice talk about not picking up baby Katie (that's what Bre calls her) without mommy or daddy. She really does want to help. She always goes straight for the pacifier (or ball as she calls it) when she starts to fuss and tries to stick it in her mouth. Kaitlyn is slowly warming up to the pacifier. Key word, SLOWLY. She also likes to help feed her every once in awhile. Despite all the frustrations there's always some shining moments that will make you smile.
Oh, and Breanne got her Halloween costume and LOVES to put it on and "fly around".
4 comments:
your kids are so cute! I'm sure things will get better for you with time. I know I'm always extra emotional and cranky when I am tired. you will probably start feeling better when you and Katie sleep longer at night. Hang in there.
Don't know what to say except that you are not the only one who feels like a crappy mother (especially right after a baby). you are doing fine! And as much as I like to bug you, remember breast milk will not send your daughter to college or give her a testimony. Keep up the good work and give yourself a few more weeks to being an expert at having 2 kids.
Hey nicole,
Just wanted to give you a little boost and let you know that what you are feeling is normal and does get better. Don't let anyone guilt you about the breastfeeding. They aren't walking in your shoes and it is okay to have limitations. I personally think recognizing them makes you a BETTER mom, not a worse one. By giving something up that makes you so unhappy, you now have more energy to focus on and take care of other important things to make you all happier. Yes, the immunities in breastmilk are good-but a happy household is better. Plus, formula has come a long, long way. As for the cranky thing, that improves as well. Just need to get a bit more sleep and into a routine and everything should be good to go. And if that doesn't work, do what I did and go get some happy pills! :o) Good luck and keep your chin up. You are a wonderful mother and the girls are very lucky to have you.
Hey Nicole, I felt the same way after Brandon was born. Everything was crazy, and according to Ben I was crazy too! Seriously though, it gets better. The first few months were hard, but then you get routines back, and everything falls into place. It's not perfect, but definitely do-able. And just so you know, I quit breastfeeding Rachel for the same reason and I went through the guilt thing too..but a frazzled mommy is not a happy mommy, so you just have to let it go. I hope you are doing well and wish you luck!
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